Alrighty, this won’t be short. Let’s recap first.
1. If you need to use the bible to justify gift giving at Christmas time, you’re out of luck: No where are we told to do this. Instead of telling us to give stuff to people to honor Christ’s arrival, it implies that we’re to give ourselves to God.
2. If we changed the way we gave gifts or stopped giving them altogether, we would be more upset and uncomfortable than those we’re giving to. I suspect. You seem to agree. So we can’t really say we do the gift thing entirely for the children. Giving gifts often times/sometimes has a lot more to do with us and our fears, expectations and traditions than anyone else.
3. While the bible doesn’t command us to give gifts to each other at Christmas (it doesn’t even tell us to celebrate Christmas) and while our motives in giving aren’t exactly selfless all the time, there’s nothing inherently evil about this practice of wrapping stuff and giving it to people. Like Halloween, Christmas can be “redeemed” - partly by guarding against the “slippery slope.”
So, as promised, here’s how we handle the whole gift giving thing in our house, in four points with some whys and hows (!!):
Becky and I don’t give each other or our kids a single thing at Christmas.
Why? How?
We don’t give our kids anything because they don’t need, expect or ask for anything. They don’t need anything because they use their own money to buy themselves stuff year round, we buy them small things year round, and they get loads of loot from friends and family on their birthdays - we haven’t put any limits on that...yet. They don’t expect anything because this is all they’ve ever known (soy milk, remember?). They don’t ask for anything because they don’t have cable. Yes, it’s that easy. There’s no built-in need in the human body, mind or spirit for a Webkin or a Wii. The “need” is created. Because there are no need creators in our house (aka advertisers) our kids don’t want stuff very often. And when they do, we get it for their birthday or encourage them to earn the money to buy it themselves. So far, so good.
Santa Clause doesn’t give Becky and I or our kids a single thing.
Why? How?
Well, I’ve written before about how we slayed Santa if you want all the details. Essentially, our kids think the whole Santa thing is something the whole world pretends. Hey, it’s no more of a lie than what you tell your kids. Anyway, seriously, don’t worry: there’s no incentive for our children to tell your children Santa isn’t real because they think everyone already knows that. It’s genius! Complete strangers come up to my kids this time of year and ask them what Santa is bringing. And they lie pretend brilliantly! It’s pretty amusing to hear my kids comment on how good of a pretender the waitress at Cracker Barrel was.
No real Santa means no lists, no waking up at 6AM to get stuff, no two hour present unwrapping sessions, and no worries about whether we’re making too big a deal out of Santa and not a big enough deal out of Jesus. Santa’s a bit player. Jesus is the star.
I think it’s incredible how some people do family worship services or read the Christmas story or unwrap the baby Jesus figurine first thing Christmas morning. Very cool. But we’re not that advanced yet. Simply killing off Saint Nick has been enough to put the spotlight on Jesus at Christmas. In addition though, the last few years we’ve had a birthday party for Jesus, complete with singing and candle blowing and cake eating. My mom’s idea. And a lot of the emphasis on Christ comes from little conversations that just naturally happen. For instance, Gresham, my son, recently asked me if he was going to get any presents for Christmas. He knew he would but this was his way of trying to figure out what they might be. I sarcastically asked him why he would get presents if it’s not his birthday. I asked him whose birthday it was. He said Jesus’ and then I asked him what he was going to give Jesus for his birthday. He thought for a minute and then he said the most profound thing: “Well, Jesus gets...me!” Exactly. And then we talked very briefly about how we could give ourselves to Jesus this Christmas. The kids gave their ideas and we eventually decided to buy animals and water for families in the third world - a gift to poor kids like Jesus. They’re pretty excited about buying a goat.
Grandparents are limited to two gifts per kid.
Why? How?
This is a tough one. And this our first year to man-up and actually ask grandparents to change their ways. As a kid I remember my mom working twelve hour days as the director of a daycare center, then coming home, fixing dinner, and working another four hours sewing stuff that she then sold for Christmas present money. All that work to get me stuff I stopped playing with a few months (or days) later. She didn’t seem to mind. Gifts are my mom’s way of loving people and she’s one of the most generous people I’ve ever known. To give less than a lot to every kid in our family might actually kill her. I’ll let you know. But because my mom loves me she’s agreed to give it a try this year. We’ve assured her our kids don’t expect much for Christmas and haven’t asked for a single thing and will still believe she loves them no matter what. She may be doubtful but se’s playing along. Thanks, mom.
This new grandparent “rule” came about partly because Becky wants our kids to think of their grandparents as people and not toy dispensers and partly because she wants them to do stuff with their grandparents, not just get stuff. So at Christmas, our kids will hunt frogs with Papa, go swimming with Nonnie, do art together or go see a movie. The grandparents are the gift. That, Becky hopes, will be more meaningful to our kids in the long run than a bunch of stuff.
Limiting the number of gifts they get is also good for us. The less we have the more grateful I believe we’re likely to be. The less we have the more responsive we are to those who have nothing. The less we have the less we want. (Odd, but I think true.) Lastly, the less we have the more imaginative and relational it’s necessary we be. My kids spend hours every day pretending with simple things like a box or a ball. Kids don’t need stuff to have fun but when they have a lot of stuff, I think, it can cripple their ability to have fun without it. Visit the third world and see how much fun a stick and a tire can be. Then give a stick and a tire to an American kid and watch them slump, whine, and groan about how bored they are. We’re not doing kids any favors by taking away the need for imagination. So, some stuff, some imagination, and we just hope that works.
I’m no psychologist. I could be completely wrong about every bit of this. All I know about kids is what I’ve seen of my own. Results may vary.
We give gifts
Why? How?
Why wouldn’t we give at Christmas when we give all year round? At Christmas, the gifts change slightly, that’s all. And there’s more conversation probably about why we give, but the giving itself is nothing unique to Christmas. And the stuff we give isn’t all that grand. We give friends food and Christmas cards made by the kids. We give relatives ornaments or frames or planters or some other small thing we make as a family. We give teachers plants and pictures made by the kids. We do the same sorts of things the other eleven months of the year too. When we appreciate someone we give to them - we recognize them. When we hear about a need, we meet it. We work a few hours every week at a food pantry, sponsor kids through Compassion, give to a homeless mission in Nashville, volunteer for this and that, etc etc. The point is that Christmas isn’t a time of increased generosity for our kids or us. There’s virtually no difference in our level of giving from one season to the next - the only difference is the kind of card that comes with the gift.
Your turn. How do you do the whole gift giving thing? Specifically, how do you handle giving your kids gifts?
The way my family celebrates Christmas has everything to do with how we celebrate Halloween. We’re trying to be consistent.
Every October I go into the attic and pull out two large plastic bins full of Halloween decorations and one even bigger one full of costume scraps: wigs, wings, hats, glasses, make-up and, of course, chaps. We go all out for Halloween. And this perplexes some folks. You know the ones.
Some Christians get all in a tizzy about the pagan origins of Halloween. Some of them hold an alternative celebration called “______________ Festival” at their church. Others hand out tracts to trick-or-treaters. Still others sit the holiday out all-together.
But our family celebrates Halloween. Every year. And not once have we sacrificed a virgin or pledged our allegiance to the Prince of Darkness. But, yes, I suppose the naysayers are right: celebrating Halloween is a “slippery slope”. Our celebration of Halloween, I guess, could, theoretically devolve into a celebration of the occult or teach our kids that evil isn’t something to be feared but something that’s fun. I guess. Maybe. It’s possible. Not likely, but…
But we celebrate it anyway because we’re in control of the celebration. I can decide to dress my kids as a butterfly, Spiderman and a puppy and let them ask strangers for candy and at the same time I can not let them slaughter the neighbor’s dog on an altar. See how that works? Slippery slope accounted for.
And celebrating Halloween this way actually does something very positive: It redeems the day. We, as a family, are doing something pretty miraculous when you think about it. We’re taking a pagan celebration of evil (according to some folks) and turning it into a night of conversation and laughter with friends (about three dozen of us walking around the neighborhood) and getting seriously sugar buzzed at the same time. Now, if Satan has anything to do with Halloween this probably ticks him off just a tad - all the fun and neighborliness.
Which brings us back to Christmas and gifts and consistency. Christmas is a pagan holiday stolen, I mean redeemed by Christians. Part of its celebration in America is gift giving. Gift giving is a slippery slope too: It can admittedly lead to gluttony, debt, ingratitude, and can recast us as the central character of the Christmas story and greatly diminish the part Christ plays in the whole thing. But, can Christmas - can gift giving - not be redeemed in the same way costumes and fake cobwebs can?
Now, I know this isn’t what some of you expected me to say in this series. You expected me to say gift giving is a bad idea when there are so many poor kids in the world. Wrong. It’s a fantastic idea. Sometimes it’s even kingdom-ish. Giving people stuff can have transcendental meaning - don’t you feel that in the smile-inducing surprise of the unwrapping moment? Don’t you see something supernatural and downright joyful in the hug and “thank you” that follows? The apostle Paul said it; I didn’t: Christ came to redeem all things.
Tomorrow I’ll tell you how we do the whole gift giving thing in our imperfect family. And I’ll ask you then to tell us how you do it too? That’s tomorrow. Today? Try to relax and enjoy yourself amidst all the slippery slopes lined with fear mongers.
Yesterday we talked about the wise men and how their story is not a prescription for giving stuff to people as much as it is an inspiration to give ourselves to God. Today, I’m suggesting that Christmas gifts are to most kids what milk is to mine.
Our first was born with an allergy to dairy, so Becky eliminated the stuff from her diet. And not just the things containing milk, but everything containing one component of milk called casein. Becky had a friend or two marvel at what they called her “sacrifice”, claiming they’d never be able to give up dairy for their kids. Really? we thought. Have you seen the kind of extraterrestrial diapers dairy gives this kid? Apparently not. Obviously not.
These folks couldn’t imagine life without milk. And their nose wrinkled up at the mere suggestion of a substitute like soy or rice milk. They, of course, said they’d be fine without dairy, but, well, they drink milk for the children. “There’s no way,” one of them said, “my kids would ever drink soy milk. Yuck.”
I have three kids now and none of them grew up drinking a tall glass of milk every morning for breakfast like I did as a kid. They’ve only known soy milk. Soy milk in their mac and cheese. Soy milk over their cereal. And because it’s all they’ve known, they’ve never asked - not once - for cow milk. And they think it’s more than a little weird that most people drink “boobie juice” from an animal.
Before we go any further with this whole discussion of giving gifts at Christmas, I thought it would be a good idea to have a moment of honesty with our adult selves. Truth be told, giving gifts to our kids isn’t always about our kids. Sometimes it’s about us and what we’ve always known. It’s about our comfort and compliance with a societal norm, a tradition as old as milk on cereal. If we changed the tradition, the expectations, if we made a radical substitute, who would be most affected by it really: The children or the grown-ups?
I asked a few days ago why we give presents to people at Christmas whose birthday it definitely is not. And the fingers pointed to the wise men. It’s their fault, you said. So, let’s talk about that.
The word translated “wisemen” or “magi” in the book of Matthew (the only book that mentions them) is translated elsewhere in scripture as “sorcerer.” These guys were not Yaweh followers. They weren’t worshippers of the one true God. They were gentiles, which means non-Jews. And they were from the East - most stuff I’ve read thinks probably from Persia, which formerly ruled over the Jews (in that space between Malachi and Matthew). There’s no evidence I’ve seen or heard of that these guys believed Jesus was the Messiah or God in the flesh before arriving at Jesus’ house when he was a toddler. At this time in history the Jews themselves didn’t all agree that there would even be a Messiah and exactly what form he would take (human or spirit), or when, or where or even why. So we don’t know what these guys were thinking exactly as they made the trek to Jesus’ house.
We don’t know much about these guys at all really - how many there were, what their names were...But we know they brought three gifts. Some folks put a lot of symbolism into these gifts nowadays. Gold is theorized to be a gift that acknowledged Jesus as king. Frankincense was used in temple worship so some say it represents Jesus’ priestly role, mediating between God and man. And myrrh was used in embalming and is said to have foreshadowed his death. But I’m not buying it. I certainly don’t know why those gifts in particular were given - the bible doesn’t say - but I don’t think these guys knew about Jesus’ role as priest or about his coming death. His own people the Jews didn’t get this yet and they had the light of scripture to guide them! All these gentiles had was the light of a star - no words from a prophet or God that we’re told of. But let’s look at what we do know from the bible and history - maybe there’s some insight into the meaning of these gifts there.
These guys see a light and believe it will lead them to the King of the Jews. When they get to the land of the Jews they go see Herod and ask him if he knows where the King of the Jews is. Now, this is fascinating to me. Herod had two official titles: Governor of Galilee and King of the Jews. He married the daughter of the high priest and built a fancy new temple in Jerusalem all in an effort to align himself with the Jews. He did the hard work of a politician aiming to win over those he ruled. And suddenly these foreigners show up asking the King of the Jews if he knows where the King of the Jews has been born? That’s just plain funny, humbling for poor old Herod, and meaningful I think.
Also, Matthew is writing to a Jewish audience and his main point, throughout his book, is that Jesus is King. In the beginning of his book, for instance, he lists Jesus’ family tree and the way he does it in Hebrew forms an acrostic that spells DAVID over and over again. David, as in KING David. He’s really driving the point home time after time that Jesus is King of the Jews - the one they’ve waited for.
Putting all this together, is it possible that the reason Matthew - and only Matthew - wrote about the pagan sorcerers from Persia bowing down before Jesus the toddler, isn’t to urge us to buy our kids a Webkin or a Wii but to paint Jesus as King. And not just any king but a King who will be worshipped by all nations, who will bring long-promised respect and honor to the Jews. He’s the King of Jews, of governors and of gentiles everywhere.
But what kind of worship does this King want?
When Matthew says the sorcerers worshipped Jesus the Greek word proskuneo is used. It doesn’t mean to sing. It means to kiss the hand of one in power, symbolically to fully submit to them. It evolved from combining two older words that mean “toward” (pros) and “dog” (kuon). If this word for worship were a picture it would be the image of a Master reaching for his pet and getting a big lick on the hand. These smart guys who lived in one of the most powerful nations of the ancient world, showed up and humbled themselves, they licked the Master’s hand. Could it be that the giving of gifts to Jesus that day, if symbolic of anything, was symbolic of submission - the submission of all nations to Christ the King? And is it possible that if there’s any implied commandment in this story it’s not a command to give stuff to people but to give ourselves to God?
This, according to Jesus, is the kind of worship God wants. He uses the word proskuneo in John 4:23-24: ...a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth.
That first part could read like this then: ...the time has come when true subjects of the king will submit themselves to the Father…
Hey, honestly, I wish Jesus was looking for worshippers willing to give me an iPhone or a new guitar. But I think he’d rather have worshippers willing to give up themselves. Am I wrong? What do you think?
Go on over to Brian’s and meet my new niece and nephew. Happy doesn’t begin to describe what we’re feeling.
