06.27.08 The Weight Of Credibility

Stanley Hauerwas has said, “I’m a pacifist because I’m a violent son of a bitch.” And I don’t believe him.  Because he’s miniature.  He’s a diminutive (brilliant) theologian no more than five feet tall and speaking with a voice that reminds me of an LP played at a 45’s speed.  I’m not buying that he’s violent.  Not physically.  And that lets some of the credibility out of his entire pacifist position.

What other option does the man have? we’re bound to ask.  I mean, of course he’s against hurting people; because he’s incapable of hurting people - big people.  Small animals?  Sure.  Maybe a fifth grader, a very tiny seventh grader smoking a couple packs a day at best, or Ron Paul. But no one of any real stature. And this is the case for every famous pacifist I know of.  it seems they’re merely adopting the position on violence their physiques are best suited for.  That’s all.

It’s a similar problem vegetarians have.  Similar, but not the same.  Have you ever seen a buff vegetarian?  They are their own worse PR.  Oh, so I should eat like a rabbit because you do? we want to ask.  I can look like you?  Well, wow.  That is tempting.  I’ve always wanted to weigh a buck oh five, be all pasty and gaunt and wear Burkenstocks.  You can have this bacon cheeseburger; give me a salad and a side of kumquats, please.

So you can imagine how thrilled I am that I, for the first time since high school, have gained weight.  I am now eight and a half more pounds of non-violent-fifty-percent-raw-food-eating-no-red-meat credibility...and gaining.

It wasn’t a goal when I stepped up the exercise program weeks ago.  Weight is just a number on a scale and doesn’t say a thing about a person’s health, personality, or character - stuff that matters.  But the Cuban Assassin has me eating meals in between meals now (I had seven yesterday) so that I won’t lose weight while exercising so intensely with him.  It was purely preventative for me.  And now I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.  I’m not heavy.  But I’m heavier. Heavier than Stanley Hauerwas.  And Ron Paul.  And most carrot munchers.  And that means, well, credibility, here I come.