05.12.08 Motherless Mother’s Day (Day 4)
Day four of Motherless Mother’s Day weekend in bullets:
1. A few too many of my fingers presently smell like poo on account of them recently being submerged in poo. The sink is too far away. I’m not getting up.
2. Penelope (age three) swam underwater for the first time today. I was there. I saw it.
3. Gabriella (age seven) says I cut apples better than mommy. Heck yes I do.
4. I read a book that did not rhyme and contained no pictures for half an hour while Redneck Neighbor’s kids played with mine in the cul-de-sac. I zoned out for a minute or two pondering what words rhyme with “corpse.”
5. Redneck Neighbor’s wife made us tortellini for dinner, with home made alfredo sauce so good I wanted to put it in my pants.
6. Spellchecker doesn’t know the word “tortellini” and underlined “put it in my pants” just because it might break a commandment. My computer’s periodically illiterate and often a bit self-righteousness like this.
7. McDonalds employees are bewildered when you play on their indoor glassed-in playground without eating their food. And, on topic, playing on their indoor glassed-in playground and breathing their indoor glassed-in playground air makes me long for an anti-bacterial wipe the size of a beach towel - or a bed sheet - and a replacement set of lungs. Perhaps something to consider in the next Happy Meal-toys-we-should-dispense-like-immediately meeting.
8. Ice cream is addictive for preschoolers after only two simultaneous days of consumption. “Cotton Candy” flavored is the worst offender. Withdrawals are ugly. Fruit leather - and anything else “edible” and unfortunately named after dried out animal parts - is not a recommended step-down substance.
9. “I’ve been in prison since I was three and my mommy put me here...” sung with much melancholy in the bathtub by Gresham (age five) while strumming an invisible “cooter” guitar. All country label A&R guys can contact me through this site.
10. Spellchecker doesn’t know the word “cooter.” Just added the definition to its dictionary: Gresham for “acoustic.”
11. Teleconference with Compassion folks about the new CompassionBloggers.com site launch (coming soon) while finding lost blankets for Penelope, turning an aerobics step and two folding chairs into a playable facsimile of an airplane’s cabin, passing out fruit leather (See #8), and putting a princess dress on a miniature flight attendant (like you do). Thank God and Panasonic for the mute button.
12. Going now to wash poo off my fingers and alfredo sauce out of my pants and then make my bed on the couch in the den. The princess/flight attendant, future country singer and apple-slicing-appreciator are asleep in my bed. And are possibly - at this moment right here - the cutest small people on the planet.
Beth said:
Okay these are cracking me up. And not for your sake, but for my reading pleasure, I almost hope Becky stays gone longer.
Blessings to you in motherless motherland…
dean said:
ok, let’s see.. you fished your $20 cell phone out of an airport toilet full of doody in hopes of making it work again… now you’re typing on your computer with poop fingers. i’m guessing that you don’t have a lot of problems with people wanting to borrow your stuff all the time.
pam said:
Praying for all of you. Know the reunion today will be sweet, sweet.
This made me LOL and call my DP over to share in the hilarity. Addin’ “cooter” to the dictionary . . . too funny. : )
said:
Shaun, Just think...tortollini (or hoever you spell it) and “poo” are now on your keyboard of your MAC. Might want to take some hard earned cash and get some handy wipes for that thing now...or better yet, trade it in for a PC. You know us PC guys take care of our PC’s. Anyway...love the shlog as always.
Seaton said:
Longing to pee, poopy fingers and keyboard, alfredo sauce in your pants.... Totally understand.
said:
Cute kids indeed. Even if they will turn on you when Becky comes home; telling her how great she is and how daddy didn’t let them eat any ice cream at all.
Beth
Spinster-in-the-Making said:
Your kids are definitely making you sillier.
Kat said:
Did you know that Chickfila has an antibacterial wipe dispenser right by their playland? I don’t know if they are all like that or if it’s just ours, but it makes me love Chickfila that much more…
Besides Chickfila is owned by a Christian. Therefore makes their playland a Christian playland. Therefore the germs there are Christian germs. Therefore they won’t make me sick.
You can’t get logic like that just anywhere…
shaunfan said:
Congrats on your apple cutting skills. It’s the small compliments that mean alot (words for guys, not actions, from the discussion last week). My middle daughter Cassandra (age 4) told me “You’re better at putting on my tights and Mommy’s better at doing my hair”. Heck yes I am. Shaun, are you wearing tights in that very disturbing picture?
Linda Sue said:
Thank you thank you for NOT doing video of this part of Motherless Mother’s Day. All in all - the poo issues and lack of alone time can be resolved. Sounds like Bro Seay has bigger “Fish to fry” - you fellows really have a rough time when the wimmen folks are gone. Dean had had it right - with your recent disclosures - won’t be signing up to shake hands really soon. Finding it interesting a toilet fishing, poo smelling fella such as yerself would be all antibacterial about MickeyD’s. If it weren’t for germ sharing how do children build up their immune systems? Wonderful series - you make me want to use words like Dude and Bro - strange effect. But I’m chillaxin about it (youth group infected old lady with new word)
Catherine said:
You made me laugh for a good five minutes this morning!! It sounds like you’re doing a great job as a substitute mom. My husband was a stay-at-home dad for 10 years and heard lots of these stories when I got home from work. And, ice cream (but not cotton candy flavor) is addictive even for grown-ups!
Blessings
Kelly @ Love Well said:
I believe the best 12 Step program for Ice Cream Addiction involves frozen yogurt and fudgsicles.
But maybe it’s changed since I was in treatment.
Kyle said:
Don’t forget to wash your keypad after you wash your hands. Poo is probably everywhere.
http://www.vagabondrunn.wordpress.com
Stephen @ Rebelling Against Indifference said:
Good choice for the book that didn’t rhyme. That’s one of my favorite books on writing (Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird” being my other favorite.) How are you liking it so far?
kate said:
I’d worry that those adorable children will give away all your secrets when their mom returns.
On a side note - try antibacterial gel. Won’t work as good as washing, but it puts a dent in the smell, and you can leave some in every room.
Shaun Groves said:
Stephen, I bought because you and Seth Ward suggested it to me. Two very good writer type people. It just took me a year or so to get around to it.
I’ve only read about two dozen pages (I’m slow) but I love it so far. It’s fascinating how his childhood memories affected who he later became in life. And frightening for me as a parent creating memories for my children. Yikes.
said:
I’m not coming back until that disturbing picture is gone.
Toronto Condos said:
I believe the best 12 Step program for Ice Cream Addiction involves frozen yogurt and fudgsicles.
But maybe it’s changed since I was in treatment.
Mom of the Nuthouse said:
Hope you don’t mind - but your posts had me laughing so hard this morning that I had to share it with my friends and family that visit here in the blogging world!
faithful chick said:
Oh my word. This is a good post.
And cotton candy ice cream is like crack. My kids eat vanilla. I’m the one that gets the cotton candy scoop on a sugar cone.
az web design said:
Thank you for this thoughtful article. I lost my mom years ago, and each year, the onslaught of Mother’s Day ads is a bit like torture.
Joan said:
Is it Fine written. Positive certainly comes short, but read on one breathing. Tnx
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