04.09.07 It’s Not That Difficult, Ladies
It became obvious during a cul-de-sac conversation last night that women don’t understand what men want. Some really really don’t get it. And I can’t resist the urge to play expert (which I’m not) and explain all this - to fix this problem between the sexes. So, forgive me before I even begin. File this post under “We Didn’t Ask For Your Advice, Music Man” or just don’t read my blog today, but I have got to take a stab at this and, who knows, maybe it’ll save a marriage.
It’s not that difficult, ladies. What your husband wants most from you is not an orgasm...sort of. He wants exactly what you want. He just gets it in disparately different ways.
Hey, before you get defensive, you should remember that I understand you...somewhat. Brant does too. Lots of guys do. We’ve made the effort. We’ve read the books. We get it: You want to feel liked, appreciated, valued and loved by being told, helped, and romanced and without having to tell your husband to do so. We finally get it. Now it’s your turn. Cause, well, you don’t.
And it’s not your fault entirely. Guys, in general, aren’t so good at talking. We really aren’t so good at examining the deepest parts of ourselves, drudging up what it is we really feel and desire and then putting that into cogent sentences with subjects and predicates and modifiers and what not. And to make matters worse, the men communicating for us, the fictional guys your see on the television and the silver screen, are one-dimensional troglodytes who want nothing but sex, sex and more sex.
Not so with your husband. Even if he doesn’t realize it, he wants something more than sex really. Seriously. Stop laughing.
If you’re the person overseeing your household’s daytime initiatives to raise the revolutionary counter-cultural great thinkers and doers and lovers this world desperately needs more of (what some people call a “stay at home mom") then imagine this. Your husband comes home from the office. A baby sitter shows up shortly thereafter - unannounced. He tells her, “There’s a pizza on its way. Here’s my cell. Kids go down at eight. See ya sometime after that,” and you head out the door together. You get in the car and he says, “I thought maybe you could use a break. I’ll have you back by midnight but don’t worry, you get to sleep in tomorrow. I got the day off and I’m taking the kids with me to do stuff. You’ll have the day to yourself. So, I thought tonight we could go to that restaurant you read about and go see that movie your sister liked and take our time getting back home.”
After the sting from pinching yourself wore off you’d feel amazing wouldn’t you?
Or imagine this. Your husband, without announcing it, starts cleaning the bathrooms for you because he knows that’s the job you hate the most, especially since the boy has started peeing in the sink...just because he can. Or your husband gives you a gift and it’s not even your birthday. Or he calls from the road and asks about you, how your day is and what you’d like to do when he gets home.
How would that make you feel? Pretty valued, loved and cared about huh?
Now, how would you feel if he took you out and gave you a break from the kids only when you asked him to? Only when you begged or nagged him to? What if he only helped out around the house when you told your circle of friends he was lazy and you were tired of it? What if he only turned the TV off and listened to you when you got angry with him? How about then? Would you feel valued, wanted and cared about if you only got what you wanted and needed when you asked for it?
Men and women aren’t different in this respect - I think. Hey, I’m no Dr.Phil, but I think sex, for a man, isn’t all about the orgasm. On a deeper level it’s about feeling valued, wanted and loved. Oddly, that’s the feeling sex gives many of us guys.
And so we don’t want to ask for it. Not every time. I know I’ll need to, just like my wife will need to, from time to time, let me know she needs something from me. But I don’t want to. We men want you to notice us, to want us, to love and even like us enough to “help us out” without being asked.
And this goes beyond sex too. Definitely. We’re not as shallow as Men’s Health would like to believe. I, for one, need Becky to tell me with actual words what she likes about me, that she appreciates the work I do, that she sees the value in it, that she gets me, that she’s glad she married me and not her last boyfriend. I need her to brag on me to her friends. The bible calls this “honor” and commands it. (How many women only say negative things about their husbands to their friends?)
When she does this I feel wanted, valued and cared about. I feel exactly what she wants to feel. And while she shouldn’t and doesn’t set out to make me feel good just so I’ll return the favor, well, that’s what happens. It’s more natural to help her out when that help is appreciated with a simple “Thank you.” I find myself doing far more for her now than I did when we first married because I feel like Superman these days. I feel confident and capable and important - essential even. Like I have something to offer. She’s done that do me. I feel like I can make a difference not just in the world out there but in my house, and so I do. Naturally.
Ladies, we’re the same, your species and mine. At the deepest level we want the same thing - it’s not a clean house or a day off and it’s not a blind fold and a can of whipped cream. Those are means to an end - the surface junk we whine for. What we all want though is to be wanted, valued and cared about. It’s just that men want to be wanted, valued and cared about naked.
That’s all.
Get it now, ladies?
euphrony said:
Ditto. That’s all I can say.
said:
Oh good, it’s not just me! I thought I was just getting a little too in touch with my feminine side.
DrewbieTech said:
This is post is awesome, and so true.
keith said:
Is it Wednesday yet?
said:
huh. That contradicts what a lot of people think when it comes to the differences betweeen the sexes. What if women started treating men like men and vice versa? What if people loved and respected instead of worrying about who is right? What if we let God be God and we start acting like his children? What a difference it would all make.
said:
I’m sure Becky is glad you “get” it.
If you take the opposite of the actions you mentioned; dislike or not measuring up, apathy, complaining, taking the other for granted, comparing to others, not noticing...well, even the most wonderful spouse given this environment will either wither away or move on.
I think if you want to grow a strong relationship plant what you would like to see reflected back to you. Always, love the other person just a little more…
tony said:
Hey Shaun. I can go with you on this one in that I think you’re articulating the “why” behind the male species seemingly unending appetite for sex. It’s not just about getting off. There’s more to it than that.
That said… and don’t hear me wrong, I stink at this… the more I focus on serving my wife, and the less I think “ you know, it’d be nice if she thought of ways to meet my needs sometime”, the better things seem to go.
But I do suck at that.
said:
While I agree with what you’re saying, and wish I was better at this with my husband, it’s hard to get past the thought sometimes of “if I do such and such, is he going to expect sex? If I don’t do such and such, will he expect it anyway?” It’s tough to be sure.
Beth
Shaun Groves said:
The answer, Beth is yes.
said:
When I’m asked to give advice to newlyweds, my A-1 advice is to refrain from complaining about your spouse with others as a way to pass the time. True, you might never be able to talk again while sitting in the waiting room of the dance studio or whiling away the hours chaperoning field trips, but it will definitely improve your intimate relationship if you don’t dwell in a constant state of petty dismay and unmet expectations.
emma said:
awesome, thanks!
Los said:
I’m horny now. Got to get home.
Los
said:
Shaun,
Thanks for summing that up for me Shaun. I know Scott would agree. I’ve come a long way in making a very conscious effort NOT to say negative things about my husband to others. Since I’m very sarcastic by nature (my mamma didn’t beat it out of me either), it’s hard to bite my tongue when the “perfect” line is right there. It’s easy to get caught up in that sometimes, but I’m learning. We were recently asked to give a brief testimony in church and he went before I did. He proceeded to tell the congregation that I am the reason he came to Christ, and he gave me good reason to leave him early in our marriage. He attributed his success as a husband and father to me and God. Believe me, he didn’t need any “business” socks that night!
Beth
MikeknaJ said:
Nice post, man.
RYC: I did try to get a “big boy blog” last year (mikeknaj.blogspot.com). I spent a lot of time on it too. But when I switched I ended up losing about half of my traffic and about 75% of my comments. I eventually chalked it up to a failed experiment and moved on back over here. I prefered the Blogger format but, dang it, I didn’t want to have no-comment posts - let’s face it, I’m a comment-whore. If I could switch again to a new home that was more powerful than Xanga and I didn’t lose my readership with it I’d certainly be open to it but I’m not sure how or where that would work.
said:
Shaun,
I actually had that “discussion” with my wife a few years ago, but prior to having the discussion I had resolved not to ask for sex before she brought it up. It was like a lenten season, and much like lent, I didn’t quite make it all the way. I brought up the topic to expedite the process. The discussion was fruitful and we both came out with a better understanding of each other.
RevJeff said:
Yep!
Dave Haupert said:
Amen Shaun! You may have found a true calling here with this post. This message needs to be preached to the ends of the earth- or at least as far as my house
Great post. If this is the beginning of a series, can the next one be on accepting my less than perfect abilities to help with the kids, around the house, etc as the gift that it is, instead of trying to correct and make it done the ‘perfect and only correct’ way? I’d love to have both of these to print out and hang up around the house
said:
Kudos on using the word “troglodyte”
David Martin said:
Man, what a tricky topic - and one I’m glad to see you touch on. I’ve been married for almost two years now, and for the most part I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that my wife and I still have the hots for each other. No begging and pleading needed. Sometimes I do need a little bit of a prod from her to take the time out to do romantic things, or to stop trying to reason everything out with her what she’s upset and just give her a hug. I’m working on it. She’s probably done her part a little better than I’ve done mine.
However, there have been communication problems at times. I think you’re right in pointing out that guys want to be wanted, want to be shown love, just as much as women do, it’s just that for us guys, sex is a way of showing that, whereas it might take different avenues for women. (It’s not the only way that we can be shown love, of course… but it’s definitely one of the easiest routes to take.) The thing is, if it’s love that’s being shown and not just a wife quelling a husband’s desire to “get off”, so to speak, then it has to be genuine.
And sometimes we’ve had these weird interactions where she’ll initiate, but end up admitting as we’re starting to get into it that she’s too tired or not really in the mood, and I’ll be like, “Well, why did you start, then?” Because it’s more frustrating for guys to be rejected right in the middle of something than it is to just get a “No” or “Not now” right from the get-go. And my thing is, if she’s not in the mood or too tired, then that’s just the way it is, and I as a husband need to serve her by letting her rest and recover. I’m a big boy. I can wait. Even if she goes through with it, if I know it wasn’e out of genuine desire, if it was just to “do her duty as a wife” or whatever, that’s not at all fulfilling to me. I want to be wanted. I don’t want to just be someone’s obligation. I’ve had to tell her, “Please don’t feel like you have to pretend in order to appease me. I’d rather be patient and build up anticipation for the times when you really want it.” Doesn’t mean that I can never initiate, but I want her to be absolutely upfront and honest when she’s just plain not interested. Life happens. People get tired. I totally understand.
I think a lot of traditional teaching on the topic has kind of distorted what the Bible has to say about sex to married couples. Yeah, it’s something you should engage in and fully enjoy on a regular basis. But ideally you should be married to someone you have crazy amounts of desire for anyway. We’ve had too many centuries of teaching women they can’t be sexual beings and just have to serve mthe husband’s needs whenever it’s convenient for the husband, so it’s like the wife actually wanting to express herself sexually is a foreign concept, which is a shame. Fortunately we don’t have it that bad, but I can still see the residue of some of that “traditional” misinterpretation of God’s intended design for sex. It’s a celebration! Make effort to make the time and space and have the energy for it, but don’t force it or you’ll just end up resenting it in the long run.
It works the other way around, too, with women wanting to be romanced by men and all. If they can tell we’re just phoning it in, then it’s wasted effort. We men need to be conscious of the ways that our wives want to be loved, and need to develop the skill of doing it without being asked and prodded. But it needs to be from the heart. If we’re not really feeling it, and we’re romancing our wives out of a desire to show the love we have in ways that really speak to them, then there’s a deeper problem that needs to be addressed, and no amount of faking it is going to fix that problem.
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